The Heart of Fertility: Finding Joy and Resilience on the Journey to Motherhood
I had a conversation today with a client who embodies something remarkable. She’s what I call a “fertility long hauler”—someone who has been on this journey far longer than she ever anticipated. She’s faced surgeries, multiple IVF cycles, and countless delays. She’s been prodded, medicated, and filled with hormones. Yet every time I see her, she walks through my door with vitality, resolve, and an unmistakable spark of life.
I had to ask: What’s your secret? How do you keep this energy alive after being let down, sidetracked, and put through so much?
## The Adventure of Willfulness
Her answer surprised me. She described her approach as an adventure, fueled by curiosity. She’s someone who wants to solve problems and face new frontiers head-on. There’s an explorer’s spirit in her, a renegade quality that keeps her moving forward.
In Chinese medicine, this energy originates in the kidneys—it’s what we call “the will.” And yes, she admitted, she does have a lot of willfulness. It’s woven into her character, and in her case, she has deep reserves of it. These reserves are why she can endure surgeries and multiple cycles without showing too many of the health detriments that often accompany such an intense journey.
But here’s the important thing: not everyone has these same reserves. While that willful energy can keep us afloat and marching toward our goals, it can also deplete us faster if we don’t have the right constitution to support it. We need to be careful about pushing ourselves beyond what our individual bodies can sustain.
## The Emperor of All Organs
So what can sustain us when our reserves run low? What energy is available to everyone, regardless of constitution?
The answer lies in the heart.
In Chinese medicine, the heart is called the Emperor of all the other organs. It’s the primary system that allows everything else to function smoothly. When the heart is in harmony, the entire body can operate with grace and efficiency.
The heart has multiple protections around it, which is why most of us can keep going even after heartbreak, disappointment, or painful setbacks. But when the insults become too great—when sadness, bitterness, and disappointment become prevalent—the heart begins to lose its ability to govern the rest of the body’s energy systems. Chaos ensues. We might experience sleep disruptions, digestive issues, hormonal imbalances, and other sideways health problems that seem to come out of nowhere.
## Cultivating Heart Rhythm Coherence
The beautiful thing about the heart is that we can work with it and access its power, even if we weren’t born with the deep energy reserves that some people naturally possess.
For anyone struggling to conceive, I urge you to shift your attention as much as possible toward finding what allows for heart rhythm coherence in your life. Ask yourself: What brings me genuine joy? What uplifts me in a real, meaningful way? Where can I find beauty to gaze upon? How can I ignite the fire of true passion, regardless of what’s happening with my fertility journey?
These aren’t frivolous questions. They’re essential to your wellbeing and your ability to continue forward.
## The Thread of Love
I’ve worked with clients for years as they’ve pursued parenthood. I’ve witnessed people go through donor eggs, donor sperm, surgeries, surrogates, adoption—everything imaginable. And what I’ve come to believe is this: what keeps someone going through all of it is the knowledge that they’re truly meant to be a parent.
To me, that’s the thread of the heart leading them forward. It’s a vibration of love.
Sometimes this love can look like fear. Sometimes it can look like forcing or desperation. But for most people I’ve met on this journey, if we strip away the judgments about what logic says they “should” do—if we remove the commentary about nine IVF cycles or donor eggs at fifty or whatever stories others might project—what remains is extraordinary.
Imagine the strength of the heart required to guide someone toward the love of being a mother. Imagine wanting that experience enough to put yourself through all of this. At its best, when it’s not pathological, this is already a sacrificial state—the same energy that will later fuel the devotion of motherhood.
Yes, there are shadow sides to everything. But at its core, this journey is always about the heart. It’s always about love.
And to survive it? That requires finding as much joy as you can in every single day of your life.
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